Wednesday, February 27, 2008

May God Be Praised -- He is Sovereign

This is a difficult blog for me to write. I'm wondering how I will use the right words and convey the right message. I'm just going to type what comes. May God be glorified!

Bryan and I have been wanting to have a family of our own now for sometime. Last February 2007 I had a tubal pregnancy and lost my left fallopian tube. Although I only had one tube left, we could still continue to conceive and have a baby naturally. We found out Thursday before I left for the Feminar that I was expecting. We were excited and cautiously optimistic. We knew there was a chance, although it was just a 20% chance, I could have another tubal pregnancy. On Monday morning I sat down to read my Bible before going to work and had an incredible pressure when I sat down and my right side began hurting. I went to work and just kept thinking maybe this was something normal. Maybe it was just some abdominal pain or cramping. That is sometimes common in a pregnancy, so I've read. I had to call my doctor's office anyway. They had told me in 2007 to call them as soon as I found out I was pregnant so they could quickly rule out another tubal/ectopic pregnancy. I did that and had blood work and an ultrasound scheduled for Tuesday. I hurt on an off on Monday and began to feel something just was not right. Bryan was incredibly nervous for me all day. Monday night I began hurting even worse. I could not sit and I could not stand. We went to the emergency room at 10:40 p.m. on Monday night. They began with a urine sample, blood test, a pelvic exam (I thought I was going to jump off the bed when the doctor touched my right side), a catheter (they had to do this twice because the first time did not get in the "right spot"), and then a vaginal ultrasound. At 3:30 a.m. on Tuesday morning, they told us it looked like I was having another tubal pregnancy on my right side and I would have to go in for surgery. We pretty much knew this was happening because right before that the nurse came in with a saline bag for an iv and some morphine. My symptoms were too close to what they were in 2007. Bryan was even wise enough to pack a bag thinking to get the very personal female necessities. He is the greatest and the most wonderful man. He is a rock! I am so thankful God has given him to me.

I still held out hope though. I kept thinking, "The odds of this happening again are only 20-25%." and "Surely they can just repair my tube" Unlike last time, my tube had not ruptured yet. It was seeping some blood but had not ruptured. Bryan and I were sad. Bryan saw more of the facts. I went directly into surgery. I remember waking up and asking if they could save my tube. The nurse told me No, they were unable to save my tube. It hurt my body too much to cry. But I was devastated. The doctor also told Bryan I had endometreosis in my uterus. Bryan and I know people who have had IVF and respect that as their choice but we have always felt our only options for our personal selves were to conceive naturally or adopt. I am now unable to ever conceive because I have no fallopian tubes. I can't allow myself to dwell on this too much. I have looked forward for a long time to being pregnant. I have truly wanted to experience morning sickness. I have wanted to have the belly that sticks out. I have wanted to wear maternity clothes. I think expectant mothers are some of the most beautiful women and I've wanted to be one of them. But, this is not the path God has laid out for Bryan and I. For two years, I have prayed asking God for His perfect plan. I have meant that prayer. I prayed it knowing what that could entail. I knew His plan may not have been for us to conceive and I completely prayed for His perfect plan willing to accept His and not mine. So, I am here now. He has shown us a huge part of His plan and Bryan and I are here to accept it. We want to look back at this trial in our life and know we have completely, whole heartedly given God glory both outwardly with our mouths and inwardly with our hearts.

My friend Kristine and her husband Jeron have been trying conceive for a lot longer than Bryan and I. Having them in our lives has shown us there are other people who have deeper struggles and hurts than Bryan and I do. She shared this verse with me on Thursday that someone had shown her. At the time, I thought of the verse from her perspective. Little did I know I would want to be claiming this verse for myself today. Thank you Kristine for sharing this verse. It has sustained me and given me hope. It is Psalm 113:9 "He gives the childless woman a household, making her the joyful mother of children. Hallelujah!" Last night I was reading it over and over again. I looked at one of the cross references for this verse and it was Psalm 68:6a "God provides homes for those who are deserted." How wonderful God's Holy preserved word is!!!! How marvelous the comfort, direction, and clarity His word can provide. I'm claiming these two verses for comfort and direction toward adoption. I thank God for showing these verses to me and being specific in His word. There is one other verse that Beth Moore has given in her Stepping Up Bible Study. It is Psalm 27:13-14 "I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."

Please pray for Bryan and I. Specifically:
(1) Ask God to protect our minds and hearts from depressing attacks from Satan.
(2) Ask for physical healing of my body. I am really aching right now from the gas rising to my shoulders.
(3) Pray I will not have further "female" issues each month.
(4) Ask God to give us clear direction as we research adoption.
(5) Ask God to work among our finances are we look into adoption. I am confident God will provide. Ask Him to guide us to be good stewards of His financial blessings.
(6) Ask God to help us wait upon Him and His perfect timing.
(7) Ask God to comfort our family members who are hurting with us.

I am thankful to God for:
(1) My husband who is my supporter, my caregiver, my best friend, my sounding board, my rock, my comforter, and my pillow at night when I hurt.
(2) Medical personnel who work the late hours at the hospital so they can take care of me.
(3) Caring family members who come to the hospital and my home.
(4) My dear girlfriends who have been to my house to visit and hug me.
(5) Pain medication
(6) God's sovereignty, His constant in our lives. His is in control when everything seems so out of place.
(7) My church family. Many have called and have come by. I am so grateful for them. I appreciate the sincere love they have shown to us.

On a funnier note......can I just get a little personal and I hope I don't gross you out. On Monday morning when I got up, I did not wash my hair or shave my legs. I had to go the ER that night with hairy legs and dirty hair!! This has taught me to shave my legs and wash my hair. You never know where you might end up at the end of your day and you want to look good!!!! Ha!

Thank you for allowing me to journal my thoughts during this time. I hope I have not spoken out of turn.

May God be Praised for He is Sovereign!!!!


Melissa said...

Julie, I started crying when I read this. I will definitely keep you and your husband in my prayers! Keep believing He will provide!! You are so strong, keep it up.
On the funnier note, I really need to shave right now. I've been putting it off, I am going home after work, and shaving immediately!!! :)

Megan L Hutchings said...

I wish I could jump through my computer and just hug you!!!! I found your blog via Caroline, and for some reason God wanted me to read it...I know now why. I will be uplifting you, Bryan, and your future plans in prayer. God Bless you Julie and keep believing He will take care of you.

Caroline said...

JULIE, you words are deep within my heart right now and I am just so honored that you share these things with us. Praying for each other brings Father such great joy. My emotions are all over the place and I can't wait to just be home so that I can get on the ground before him and LIFT YOU UP!!! I am praying for you right now at my desk! May he clearly show you the next step to take!

'Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my fortress, I will be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is MY mighty rock, MY refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, FOR GOD IS OUR REFUGE".
PS 62;5-8

Kelly said...

I am so very sorry. I am sitting at my desk crying because my heart is just breaking for you. I can't imagine the wave of emotions that you have been through over the last week. I know partially how you feel but no fully. And I wish I lived near you so I could take you to lunch or bring you ice cream or just sit and let you cry. I've said this a lot lately - but I just don't UNDERSTAND. I don't understand God's plan at all. But I know He is good and I know He loves you SOOO much. And you are going to be a wonderful mother! God is going to give you the desire of your heart - he just obviously has another plan for ya'll. Your children will be so blessed and I know there will be so much love in your home. I'll be praying for you. I'll be praying that God will restore your joy and give you peace. I'll pray for all the things you listed.
If you want to e-mail me ANYTIME to vent, talk, etc.....please do.
I wish I could change your circumstances - but I know God has something so great planned for you - I can't wait to see what it is!

Candy said...

Oh, Julie! I am so sorry. I have actually been thinking about you wondering if something was wrong. I expected you to blog right when you got back from your trip and you didn't. I don't have the right words to say to you. All I know to do is pray. I will write down your specific prayer requests. Please continue to let us know your prayer needs.

Tara said...

Julie, I am so glad I came by your blog today! I am even leaving a comment to show you "proof" that I was here!
My heart is aching for you. I too know the pain that you are going through. We fought the infertility battle for over 5 years. I too decided that invtro was not for us.
The silver lining to my story...I have been overwhelmingly blessed by adopting my two sons. When you are ready, I am more than willing to share adoption information! I have several contacts in the adoption world. I am very open to discuss any topic! I am not shy!
Until then, I will be praying. I am sending you a BIG hug!!!

Judy Pevehouse said...

Julie, I think the Lord was preparing both of us this past weekend at Feminar. I remember thinking that you were awfully quiet during the weekend. I emailed Phyllis Hendry and told her that although I didn't come home from Feminar with my life situations wrapped up in a nice little box, I know that I know that I know - God loves us unconditionally, He has a plan for our life that's perfect for us, and He knows how to keep us on the right path. God amazes me how He knows what we need to hear ahead of time. I'm so proud of you and your attitude during this incredibly difficult time. I know that God is going to bless you and Bryan with children, and you will be great parents. You will hear the laughter of children in your home. I am praying that God keeps you close to His heart, heals your physical discomfort, and uses you to continue bringing glory to His name.

Angela said...

Julie, I'm so sorry about this. The words your wrote broke my heart but yet were so beautiful all at the same time. Remember...

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

Lean on this verse when you don't understand all that is happening. It is one of my favorite. Take care of you, girl!!

Jared said...

I love you and Bryan! --J

Welcome to Our Lives... said...

Wow, you are such an inspiration to us all to give God all the glory and honor in everything. You are a true woman of God to have this kind of attitude about it! You will definately be in my prayers!

His Doorkeeper said...

Julie, I hope you don't mind me sending you a comment as I really don't know you but my daughter, Kelly, sent me an email to tell me about you and my heart is just broken for you.

I hear so much bad news so often as a pastor's wife to the point I feel almost stoic so when the tears begin to fall as I read your post, I knew God meant me to say something to you.

He knows you from top to bottom, inside and out and He knows your heart. He must have something in mind for you and your sweet husband. Just be faithful and He will reveal it to you. When you can't see His hands, trust His heart. I am praying for you both and let His comfort be yours.
Isaiah 43:1-2 "......I have called you by name; you are mine! When you pass through the waters,I will be with you' and through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you...for I am the Lord your God." Blessings to you Julie!

Elizabeth Smith said...

Dear Julie,
I know we do not know each other, but I want you to know that I am praying for you. I stumbled across your blog by accident from Kelly's blog, but I know that God must have lead me here. I am so sorry for your loss and as your friends have said, I wish it weren't so. I know God will honor your faithfulness to Him. Your attitude surely reflects the Savior who lives in you. Your strength in the Lord is inspirational. You may be familiar with this verse, but I will share it with you...Deuteronomy 33:27 says,"...and underneath are His everlasting arms." May God pour his comfort on you as you heal physically and as you go on in His will for your life.
Your sister in Christ,
Elizabeth Smith

Lisa said...

Just found your blog. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Dee Light said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. There is nothing quite like the desire to have a child of your own. I too have had problems with fertility, and it can be so discouraging. But as He always does He has led my husband and I through those dark times.

I know you are struggling with all of this now, but God will and is revealing his plan for you. Adoption is a beatiful thing. we after all, have been adopted by the King. A friend once told me that the term Adoption is used in the Bible because an adopted child could not be disowned, but a "natural" child could.