May God Be Praised -- He is Sovereign

This is a difficult blog for me to write. I'm wondering how I will use the right words and convey the right message. I'm just going to type what comes. May God be glorified!

Bryan and I have been wanting to have a family of our own now for sometime. Last February 2007 I had a tubal pregnancy and lost my left fallopian tube. Although I only had one tube left, we could still continue to conceive and have a baby naturally. We found out Thursday before I left for the Feminar that I was expecting. We were excited and cautiously optimistic. We knew there was a chance, although it was just a 20% chance, I could have another tubal pregnancy. On Monday morning I sat down to read my Bible before going to work and had an incredible pressure when I sat down and my right side began hurting. I went to work and just kept thinking maybe this was something normal. Maybe it was just some abdominal pain or cramping. That is sometimes common in a pregnancy, so I've read. I had to call my doctor's office anyway. They had told me in 2007 to call them as soon as I found out I was pregnant so they could quickly rule out another tubal/ectopic pregnancy. I did that and had blood work and an ultrasound scheduled for Tuesday. I hurt on an off on Monday and began to feel something just was not right. Bryan was incredibly nervous for me all day. Monday night I began hurting even worse. I could not sit and I could not stand. We went to the emergency room at 10:40 p.m. on Monday night. They began with a urine sample, blood test, a pelvic exam (I thought I was going to jump off the bed when the doctor touched my right side), a catheter (they had to do this twice because the first time did not get in the "right spot"), and then a vaginal ultrasound. At 3:30 a.m. on Tuesday morning, they told us it looked like I was having another tubal pregnancy on my right side and I would have to go in for surgery. We pretty much knew this was happening because right before that the nurse came in with a saline bag for an iv and some morphine. My symptoms were too close to what they were in 2007. Bryan was even wise enough to pack a bag thinking to get the very personal female necessities. He is the greatest and the most wonderful man. He is a rock! I am so thankful God has given him to me.

I still held out hope though. I kept thinking, "The odds of this happening again are only 20-25%." and "Surely they can just repair my tube" Unlike last time, my tube had not ruptured yet. It was seeping some blood but had not ruptured. Bryan and I were sad. Bryan saw more of the facts. I went directly into surgery. I remember waking up and asking if they could save my tube. The nurse told me No, they were unable to save my tube. It hurt my body too much to cry. But I was devastated. The doctor also told Bryan I had endometreosis in my uterus. Bryan and I know people who have had IVF and respect that as their choice but we have always felt our only options for our personal selves were to conceive naturally or adopt. I am now unable to ever conceive because I have no fallopian tubes. I can't allow myself to dwell on this too much. I have looked forward for a long time to being pregnant. I have truly wanted to experience morning sickness. I have wanted to have the belly that sticks out. I have wanted to wear maternity clothes. I think expectant mothers are some of the most beautiful women and I've wanted to be one of them. But, this is not the path God has laid out for Bryan and I. For two years, I have prayed asking God for His perfect plan. I have meant that prayer. I prayed it knowing what that could entail. I knew His plan may not have been for us to conceive and I completely prayed for His perfect plan willing to accept His and not mine. So, I am here now. He has shown us a huge part of His plan and Bryan and I are here to accept it. We want to look back at this trial in our life and know we have completely, whole heartedly given God glory both outwardly with our mouths and inwardly with our hearts.

My friend Kristine and her husband Jeron have been trying conceive for a lot longer than Bryan and I. Having them in our lives has shown us there are other people who have deeper struggles and hurts than Bryan and I do. She shared this verse with me on Thursday that someone had shown her. At the time, I thought of the verse from her perspective. Little did I know I would want to be claiming this verse for myself today. Thank you Kristine for sharing this verse. It has sustained me and given me hope. It is Psalm 113:9 "He gives the childless woman a household, making her the joyful mother of children. Hallelujah!" Last night I was reading it over and over again. I looked at one of the cross references for this verse and it was Psalm 68:6a "God provides homes for those who are deserted." How wonderful God's Holy preserved word is!!!! How marvelous the comfort, direction, and clarity His word can provide. I'm claiming these two verses for comfort and direction toward adoption. I thank God for showing these verses to me and being specific in His word. There is one other verse that Beth Moore has given in her Stepping Up Bible Study. It is Psalm 27:13-14 "I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."

Please pray for Bryan and I. Specifically:
(1) Ask God to protect our minds and hearts from depressing attacks from Satan.
(2) Ask for physical healing of my body. I am really aching right now from the gas rising to my shoulders.
(3) Pray I will not have further "female" issues each month.
(4) Ask God to give us clear direction as we research adoption.
(5) Ask God to work among our finances are we look into adoption. I am confident God will provide. Ask Him to guide us to be good stewards of His financial blessings.
(6) Ask God to help us wait upon Him and His perfect timing.
(7) Ask God to comfort our family members who are hurting with us.

I am thankful to God for:
(1) My husband who is my supporter, my caregiver, my best friend, my sounding board, my rock, my comforter, and my pillow at night when I hurt.
(2) Medical personnel who work the late hours at the hospital so they can take care of me.
(3) Caring family members who come to the hospital and my home.
(4) My dear girlfriends who have been to my house to visit and hug me.
(5) Pain medication
(6) God's sovereignty, His constant in our lives. His is in control when everything seems so out of place.
(7) My church family. Many have called and have come by. I am so grateful for them. I appreciate the sincere love they have shown to us.

On a funnier note......can I just get a little personal and I hope I don't gross you out. On Monday morning when I got up, I did not wash my hair or shave my legs. I had to go the ER that night with hairy legs and dirty hair!! This has taught me to shave my legs and wash my hair. You never know where you might end up at the end of your day and you want to look good!!!! Ha!

Thank you for allowing me to journal my thoughts during this time. I hope I have not spoken out of turn.

May God be Praised for He is Sovereign!!!!