Children ...

When Bryan and I were dating, he painted me this picture and gave it to me for Christmas.
He addressed/signed it using our nicknames! I forgot about this. The fascination of early love; don’t we do the cutest funniest things sometimes.

I had put the painting up, storing it until I could decide where to put it. It has not hung on any wall since we moved to the OKC metro 6 years ago. When Bryan painted the picture in 1995, it was suppose to represent the children we wanted once we married and made it through college. I had wanted 2 children and in 1995 I had 1 boy name and 1 girl name picked out.

I took this painting out during the week I was reorganizing and cleaning closets a few weeks back. This picture struck me in a whole different new way than its original meaning. Although it may sound strange to some or maybe I am making more out of the painting than necessary but I relate this painting now to the 2 tubal pregnancies I had and the 2 children I never saw born. I thought it so neat that 13 years ago a painting was made by my future husband with two children and now today could represent the path of our journey over the past 1-½ years. It was also neat to see the relative closeness in size of the children. Had I carried each to term they would have been very close in age and size!! Instead of making me sad, I felt like my heart leaped inside. It was comforting to see the painting in this way. When I pulled it off the shelf and realized all of this I thanked God for this moment of comfort He gave me through this painting!! It was soothing.

I shared this with Bryan and then hung the painting in our bedroom on the wall of my side of the bed. I see it everyday. I have to admit, since I’ve hung it, it has not always had that comforting feeling it had when I took it off the shelf but I am determined to beat any sadness or darkness that may creep into my emotions and mind. It is staying on the wall!

I think some of our family and friends may be getting anxious and wondering when we are going to adopt or what we are going to do. The truth is, we don’t know. We just don’t know. It is unbelievable how many things you have to work out and think about and consider. There is so much unknown. At times we feel we are just going to go forward and begin the process right now even though we do not know “the process” and then at other times we do not quite have a peace of mind or sense God’s direction.

I have periodically been reading on this book which is a great resource for adoptive families. Steven Curtis Chapman and Focus on the Family recommended it
I know my God is not the author of confusion so we wait until this cloud passes. In March 2008 I felt I wanted a Caucasian infant. Bryan has felt maybe we should try for a 10-12 month old. But at other times he has said he doesn’t care. Recently I have been exposed to a little girl adopted from China and then a bi-racial little girl adopted as an infant. This is a relative of Bryan's who was adopted. She is beautiful and absolutely precious, so polite and very well mannered. I met her a week ago. Both have touched my heart because you see immediately the beauty of adoption in them and their parents. I love that!

So you see we just don’t know and we wait for God’s direction. There have been specific times when Bryan and I had to make big decisions and we just waited. Waited for God and the peace that He brings in clarity. At these times God has rewarded us beyond our expectations!!

At church I facilitate a ladies bible study on Sunday nights. Right now we are doing Jennifer Rothschild’s Walking by Faith and we are on our 3rd week. This is such an appropriate and timely study for me to be doing as I wait on God for direction in my family. I am grateful for God’s sovereignty and perfect timing.

I am making this study a priority each day so if I do not blog everyday or post on your blog everyday, please do not give up on me. I’ve made a rule for myself: No blogging until I have done the day’s homework.

I apologize for such a long post but I had a lot to get in.

p.s. I am still called "Babydoll" or "Babs". Bryan is not called Chickabee (he has a different name now) !!! :)